Jokes anyone? -

flatchat · Jul 9, 2016

Poor Essex gerwl :laugh: --still ROFLAMAO --the bachelor takes the cake though :laugh:

Larry L. · Jul 9, 2016

Keith1 said:
Essex Larry. She is speaking Essex...

Thanks for clearing that up! :smug2:

glarrivee · Jul 12, 2016

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago 's inner city residents say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Kinda brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it.

molleur · Jul 15, 2016

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ontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton go Ice Fishing…How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call? With an ice fishing contest, of course!

After the first round of votes were counted, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were deadlocked. Instead of going through a recount, the two agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.

The candidates decided a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both candidates would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5pm.

After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing.

Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing!
That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were just going to follow Trump to spy on him and figure out how he was cheating.

Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total!
That night, Hillary and her democratic buddies got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said, “You are not going to believe this, he’s cutting holes in the ice!”

And that, my friends, tells you all you need to know about the intelligence on the left side of the aisle!

Larry L. · Jul 15, 2016

NEW GOLF RULES:

There will no longer be a penalty stoke for hitting a ball into the water or out of bounds.

The USGA , the R&A, and the PGA, after a private meeting with Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch on a plane somewhere in the Southwest, have recommended that your opponent must prove that you intended to hit the ball into these hazards in order for there to be a penalty.

Gross negligence, carelessness or ignorance is not intent.

No intent -- no penalty stroke.

'Simple...

Darren C · Jul 15, 2016

The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday.

His funfair will be on Monkey

G-Pete · Jul 16, 2016

Head: Puck you Heart
Heart: Puck you too Head
Penis: Did anyone say puck??

Larry L. · Aug 5, 2016

Wife to her Accountant husband:  "What is inflation? "

Husband:  "Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48.  Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before.  That is inflation."

...he never heard the shot...

Larry L. · Aug 5, 2016

If swimming is good for one's figure, explain whales to me.

glloyd · Aug 5, 2016

It's a hilly land just to the left of England.

But there is a bridge now, you don't need to swim. :evilgrin:

Nick Brough · Aug 5, 2016

glloyd said:
It's a hilly land just to the left of England.

But there is a bridge now, you don't need to swim. :evilgrin:

Very good :lol:

Larry L. · Aug 12, 2016

A lapsed parishioner entered the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other, there was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, the guy said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must say the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replied indignantly, "You moron, you're on my side..."

Nick Brough · Aug 13, 2016

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

Dave Allen

Nick Brough · Aug 14, 2016

Wonder if they are cumulative.

Larry L. · Aug 17, 2016

I found this a far more 'fun read' than your typical obit - and it's pretty obvious that was the author's intent!

From The New York Post...reportedly an actual obituary:

"He assures us he is gone.

William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69.

We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.

He leaves behind four children, five grandchildren, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.

William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn’t much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war.

Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts.

Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman.

After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired.

Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).

Following his wishes, there will not be a service, but wellwishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor.

He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another.

He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don’t open these at work). Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet. Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed."

MikeP · Aug 21, 2016

Always liked this one......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wpq4Tu2NnrQ

Cheers
Mike

molleur · Aug 25, 2016

------------------------
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth
-------------------------

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

glarrivee · Aug 27, 2016

I don't follow football but a Bud of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5pm. Her name's Louise. She will be the one in the white dress.

Pete · Aug 28, 2016

The Little Irish Pub

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught today?'

'You're the eighth.’

Pete · Aug 29, 2016

Great Sex Quotes

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom ."
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

Jokes anyone? -

flatchat(Chris)

Larry L.

Gary

Jack

Larry L.

Darren C

Peter G-Pete Fritsche

Larry L.

Larry L.

Glenn M

Nick

Larry L.

Nick

Nick

Attachments

Larry L.

Mike Pass

Jack

Gary

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

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