Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Ah, yes.....
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister..
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies:
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister..
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies:
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
Obama was asleep in the White House and awoke to see Washington 's ghost.
He asked, "George, how can I make this country better?"
Washington said, "Be honest with the people like I was."
Obama went back to sleep and awoke again this time to Thomas Jefferson and
asked, "Tom, how can I make this country better?"
Jefferson said, "Love the constitution like I did."
Again Obama fell asleep and awoke this time to Lincoln and asked, "Abe, how
can I make this country better?"
Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."
He asked, "George, how can I make this country better?"
Washington said, "Be honest with the people like I was."
Obama went back to sleep and awoke again this time to Thomas Jefferson and
asked, "Tom, how can I make this country better?"
Jefferson said, "Love the constitution like I did."
Again Obama fell asleep and awoke this time to Lincoln and asked, "Abe, how
can I make this country better?"
Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Priceless!!!
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Quiz
As you get older, and older, and older....... do you ever worry that you are 'losing it' ?
Something for seniors to do to keep those grey cells active!
1 Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
..What was the third child 's name?
2. Our local butcher is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 shoes.
. What do you think he weighs ?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much earth would you estimate there is in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. What was the U.S. President 's name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in?
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in another field,
how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?
Here are the Answers
1. Johnny.
2. Meat.
3. Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4. None. It's a hole.
5. Incorrectly
6. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera.
8. Same as is it now - Barack Obama
9. You would be 2nd. You passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [duh!]
11. One. If he combines all the haystacks, they become one big one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IMPOSSIBILITIES
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
---------------------------------------------------
Ten Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this..
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you just missed No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
Extra Bonus: You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be on my own in the idiot category.
I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN ROUND BEFORE.
BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT! DO YOU REMEMBER IT ?
As you get older, and older, and older....... do you ever worry that you are 'losing it' ?
Something for seniors to do to keep those grey cells active!
1 Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
..What was the third child 's name?
2. Our local butcher is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 shoes.
. What do you think he weighs ?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much earth would you estimate there is in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. What was the U.S. President 's name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in?
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in another field,
how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?
Here are the Answers
1. Johnny.
2. Meat.
3. Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4. None. It's a hole.
5. Incorrectly
6. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera.
8. Same as is it now - Barack Obama
9. You would be 2nd. You passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [duh!]
11. One. If he combines all the haystacks, they become one big one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IMPOSSIBILITIES
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
---------------------------------------------------
Ten Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this..
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you just missed No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
Extra Bonus: You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be on my own in the idiot category.
I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN ROUND BEFORE.
BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT! DO YOU REMEMBER IT ?
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Why wogs shouldn't be lifesavers.
Why wogs could never be Surf Lifesavers - YouTube
Why wogs could never be Surf Lifesavers - YouTube
Very funny ,I liked the outtakes
The outtakes from nighty night crack me up.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GZZTlZtB5c[/ame]
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw0d5DWXlsw[/ame]
Bob
The outtakes from nighty night crack me up.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GZZTlZtB5c[/ame]
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw0d5DWXlsw[/ame]
Bob
Last edited:
Charlie Farley
Supporter
Lost on me...
I even tried turning the hearing aid up to 11...
I even tried turning the hearing aid up to 11...
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
I couldn't get any of it, either.
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Back in the days of the USSR, a Russian signs up to buy a car, He walks to the Lada factory and is told that his car will be ready in twenty years, and that it will be delivered to his house.
"Are they going to come to my house in the morning or the afternoon?" he asks the factory rep.
"What difference does it make, you idiot?" says the factory rep. "It's twenty years from now! Why do you want to know what time of day they are delivering your car?"
The man buying the car says, "I need to know because the plumber is coming that day, too"
"Are they going to come to my house in the morning or the afternoon?" he asks the factory rep.
"What difference does it make, you idiot?" says the factory rep. "It's twenty years from now! Why do you want to know what time of day they are delivering your car?"
The man buying the car says, "I need to know because the plumber is coming that day, too"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Jim this is the jokes thread, not the true stories thread. Get a grip man.
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Right, well, my Russian friends were amused- the older ones, anyway.
I'll get that grip, now. I can't think what came over me. Profuse apologies. Etc etc.
I'll get that grip, now. I can't think what came over me. Profuse apologies. Etc etc.
Charlie Farley
Supporter
I found it funny Jim, although without wishing to " piss on your parade "..
it must be 20 years since i last heard it.
Still funny though.
Reminds me of the time we travelled from Helmstadt in W Germany to Berlin by car. I was deep into my history then and living in W Germany as a kid. Naturally, i wanted to learn as much as possible about the nazi era.
As it was a British sanctioned military car, the Russian / E German border guards had no right to impede progress or even request persons to leave the car. I strategically placed a book on the rear shelf of the car.
The book was a biography of Henriech Himmler, complete with full sized photo on the cover. The reaction it garnered was quite amusing to a teenager..
it must be 20 years since i last heard it.
Still funny though.
Reminds me of the time we travelled from Helmstadt in W Germany to Berlin by car. I was deep into my history then and living in W Germany as a kid. Naturally, i wanted to learn as much as possible about the nazi era.
As it was a British sanctioned military car, the Russian / E German border guards had no right to impede progress or even request persons to leave the car. I strategically placed a book on the rear shelf of the car.
The book was a biography of Henriech Himmler, complete with full sized photo on the cover. The reaction it garnered was quite amusing to a teenager..
