Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Number 17 is my favourite 
Hilarious texts sent by parents to their long-suffering kids - Parentdish UK
Hilarious texts sent by parents to their long-suffering kids - Parentdish UK
Paddy`s wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, Paddy lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." Paddy climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're fucking right, you know."
Bob
Bob
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Ah, yes. Love it.
Pat
Supporter
""Keepin' it real"... I offer this as a public service.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10204285848337029&fref=nf
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10204285848337029&fref=nf
Remember, the internet does not make you stupid..........it just makes your stupidity available to the world!
Here 'ya go...
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi, to identify the body.
Barack arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Barack says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolls him over, and Barack says, "Nope, ain't Bubba"
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Pelosi in to identify the body.
Pelosi takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over and Pelosi says, "No, it isn't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Pelosi said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."
"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with the two a**holes.'"
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi, to identify the body.
Barack arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Barack says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolls him over, and Barack says, "Nope, ain't Bubba"
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Pelosi in to identify the body.
Pelosi takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over and Pelosi says, "No, it isn't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Pelosi said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."
"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with the two a**holes.'"
Pat
Supporter
She's actually a writer, singer and photographer in North Carolina who does a lot of parodies. I wonder if she lives near Ron...
Attachments
...but that one was really lame...
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
OK so how do I add a moving Giff fille?
Ian
Ian
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?
QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?
ANSWER:
British Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
5) Am I dressed provocatively ?
6) Could I run away ?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"
QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?
ANSWER:
British Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
5) Am I dressed provocatively ?
6) Could I run away ?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Quiz
As you get older, and older, and older....... do you ever worry that you are 'losing it' ?
Something for seniors to do to keep those grey cells active!
1 Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
..What was the third child 's name?
2. Our local butcher is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 shoes.
. What do you think he weighs ?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much earth would you estimate there is in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. What was the U.S. President 's name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in?
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in another field,
how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?
Here are the Answers
1. Johnny.
2. Meat.
3. Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4. None. It's a hole.
5. Incorrectly
6. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera.
8. Same as is it now - Barack Obama
9. You would be 2nd. You passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [duh!]
11. One. If he combines all the haystacks, they become one big one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IMPOSSIBILITIES
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
---------------------------------------------------
Ten Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this..
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you just missed No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
Extra Bonus: You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be on my own in the idiot category.
I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN ROUND BEFORE.
BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT! DO YOU REMEMBER IT ?
As you get older, and older, and older....... do you ever worry that you are 'losing it' ?
Something for seniors to do to keep those grey cells active!
1 Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
..What was the third child 's name?
2. Our local butcher is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 shoes.
. What do you think he weighs ?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much earth would you estimate there is in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. What was the U.S. President 's name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in?
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in another field,
how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?
Here are the Answers
1. Johnny.
2. Meat.
3. Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4. None. It's a hole.
5. Incorrectly
6. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera.
8. Same as is it now - Barack Obama
9. You would be 2nd. You passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [duh!]
11. One. If he combines all the haystacks, they become one big one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IMPOSSIBILITIES
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
---------------------------------------------------
Ten Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this..
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you just missed No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
Extra Bonus: You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be on my own in the idiot category.
I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN ROUND BEFORE.
BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT! DO YOU REMEMBER IT ?
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Hypnotist at an OAP Residential Home.
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist !
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you. And all at the same time." Said Claude.
The excited chatter fell to silence as Claude carefully slid from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, and back and forth, while quietly chanting:
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, back and forth.
Fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. Back and forth. Back and forth.
They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the watch chain broke !!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT" exclaimed Claude.
It took them three days to clean up the OAP Residential Home. Claude was never invited back again.
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist !
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you. And all at the same time." Said Claude.
The excited chatter fell to silence as Claude carefully slid from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, and back and forth, while quietly chanting:
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, back and forth.
Fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. Back and forth. Back and forth.
They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the watch chain broke !!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT" exclaimed Claude.
It took them three days to clean up the OAP Residential Home. Claude was never invited back again.
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray," he replies.
Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," says his father.
"Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN"
Dinner was cancelled.
"But I don't know how to pray," he replies.
Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," says his father.
"Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN"
Dinner was cancelled.