Jokes anyone? -

M

Jack

Okay Pete, I'll play..
What's the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician?
The magician has a cunning array of stunts.

What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Oh, one more...

What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing, they haven't met!
 
K

Keith

Moderator
The Ultimate Ethnic Joke:



A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian,
a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a
Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a
Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri
Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a
Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a
Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an
Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a
Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans - walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.



"You can't come in here without a Thai
 
G

Robert May Eng.

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt.

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt
 
K

John

every time I see that I still smile, its an oldy but its still a goody.

It actually reminds me that as a teenager for some unknown reason I must have had a striking resemblance to the one and only JC himself, myself I just couldn't see it at all, but every time I went around to see my girlfriend, as usual her father would answer the door, take one look and proclaim, Jesus Christ not you again.

john
 
N

Nick

kaspa said:
every time I see that I still smile, its an oldy but its still a goody.

It actually reminds me that as a teenager for some unknown reason I must have had a striking resemblance to the one and only JC himself, myself I just couldn't see it at all, but every time I went around to see my girlfriend, as usual her father would answer the door, take one look and proclaim, Jesus Christ not you again.

john
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
Veek

Pat

Supporter
Great Racing Quotes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Gotta work the nut behind the wheel before you start fixing bolts on the car"
“Racing makes heroin addiction look like a vague wish for something salty” – Peter Egan
“The best way to make a small fortune in racing is to start with a large one and work down from there”
“It’s not a throttle, it’s a detonator”
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines” – Enzo Ferrari
“Racing is the best way to convert money into noise”
“It is useless to put your brakes on when you’re upside down” Paul Newman
“If the car feels like it is on rails, you are probably driving too slow” – Ross Bently
“Cheap, fast and reliable. Pick two”
“Racing… because golf, football and baseball only require one ball”
“Racing cost today exactly the same as it did twenty years ago…it takes every penny you have”
“It would be cheaper to spend our money on cocaine & hookers”
“You’ll know you've made it when you wear out your rear tires…before your front tires”
“I know I’m the slowest part of the car” – B. Wright
“Never run out of real estate, ideas and traction at the same time”
“Poverty is owning a racecar”
“Here, hold on to my beer”
“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, and defiantly shouting ‘Wow, what a ride’”
“Wide open until you see God, then brake”
“Racing is the constant search for the weakest link” –Duane Bailey
”Guys, you can date whomever you want, but marry a girl that can back up a trailer” – Michael Martin
“Duct tape is ‘The Force’: it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together”
“The ideal racecar will expire 100 yards past the finish line”
“You can’t make a racehorse out of a pig. But, if you work hard enough at it you can make a mighty fast pig” – Bob Akin
“If I had all the money I spent on cars…I’d spend it all on cars” – Scott Fisher
“Driver has no cash” (lettered under the driver’s window on a racecar)
 
Pete

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
>
> They're not happy in Gaza
> They're not happy in Egypt
> They're not happy in Libya
> They're not happy in Morocco
> They're not happy in Iraq
> They're not happy in Iran
> They're not happy in Yemen
> They're not happy in Afghanistan
> They're not happy in Lebanon
> They're not happy in Pakistan
> They're not happy in Syria
>
> SO WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?
>
> They're happy in Australia
> They're happy in Canada
> They're happy in England
> They're happy in France
> They're happy in Italy
> They're happy in Germany
> They're happy in Sweden
> They're happy in USA
> They're happy in Denmark
> They're happy in Norway
> They're happy in Holland
>
> Basically they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in
> every country that is
>
> AND WHO DO THEY BLAME FOR THIS?
>
> Not Islam
> Not their leadership
> Not themselves
>
> THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THAT THEY'RE HAPPY IN
>
> AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY
> CAME FROM THAT THEY WERE UNHAPPY IN.
>
> Excuse me, but I can't help wondering.....
> How damn dumb can you get?
>
> Everyone wonders why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
>
> Lets look at the evidence:
> - No Christmas
> - No television
> - No nude women
> - No football
> - No pork chops
> - No hot dogs
> - No burgers
> - No beer
> - No bacon
> - Rags for clothes
> -Towels for hats
> - Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
> - More than 1 wife
> - More than 1 mother in law
> - You can't shave
> - Your wife can't shave
> - You can't wash off the smell of donkeys
> - You cook over burning camel shit
> - Your wife is picked by someone else for you
> - Your wife smells worse than your donkey
> - then they tell them that "when they die" it all gets better???...
>
> WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK.....
> Its not like it could get much worse
>
 
G

Robert May Eng.

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"


Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.










GetInline.aspx






After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered,









"I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
 
Pete

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I shagged a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race, You just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Fuckwit" & then we’re off.....

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown/ Birmingham/Chicago.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
 
Pete

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I shagged a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race, You just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Fuckwit" & then we’re off.....

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown/ Birmingham/Chicago.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
 
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