Jokes anyone? -

Pete · Apr 15, 2015

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Pete · Apr 15, 2015

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

jimbo · Apr 15, 2015

And boy is THAT ever true.

David Lowe · Apr 16, 2015

I always wanted to be a mailman

One Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood
on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he
noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of
empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," Shane commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have
felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the
neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around
midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

Shane thought for a moment and said, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet
with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded, "Your name came up 7 times."

David Lowe · Apr 16, 2015

British Humour

A big earthquake with the strength of 9.9 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Six million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending six million replacement Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN , damn those Brits are smart!!

Larry L. · Apr 16, 2015

^^^ In the version making the rounds here in the 'States it's Latinos/Mexicans...

Keith1 · Apr 17, 2015

I've always liked this gag...

Pete · Apr 20, 2015

This is such a touching story,
I thought you would enjoy it.

The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

jimbo · Apr 23, 2015

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

(stolen from John Allen, to give full credit)

Ron Poast · Apr 29, 2015

A cat was walking along the tracks one day and decided to stop and take a nap. It laid part of its tail on the track. Along came a train and cut off part of its tail. It turned around to look at it and another train came along and cut off its head. The moral of this story is, don't lose your head over a piece of tail.

Ron Poast · Apr 29, 2015

A guy walked into a bar one day and sat down. He reached into a pocket and pulled out a small piano bench and sat it on the bar. He reached into another pocket and pulled out a small piano and sat this on the bar. From another pocket he pulled out a little man and sat him on the bench. He said to the bartender, if you give me a free drink, I will have this little man play you a tune. The bartender thought, what the h**l and said OK. The little man played a great version of Yankee Doodle Dandy. The bartender was very impressed and said, where did you get something like this? The man said I was walking along the beach one day and found a bottle laying in the sand. It had a cork in it and when I removed the cork a Genie jumped out. The Genie said thank you very much and I will give you one wish. Not three, just one but he must have misunderstood me because this is what I got. A 10 inch Pianist.

Larry L. · May 2, 2015

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Larry L. · May 2, 2015

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxNrizGdhtY#t=40

Ron Poast · May 3, 2015

A Chinaman walks into a restaurant and says I want flyed lice. The owner says ,it's fried rice and I won't serve you until you learn to speak English. The next day the Chinaman walks in and says, I want flyed lice. The owner says, I told you before I won't serve you until you learn to speak English. Two weeks later the Chinaman walks in and says, I want fried rice. The owner serve's him. The Chinaman says, thank you, you fluckin amelican plick.

Tr3
Cobra replica
Rsk replica
Cheetah replica
62 Corvette
68 Corvette
81 Corvette
Scratch built GT40, just starting
A lot of cars but no money left

Keith1 · May 4, 2015

Vladimir Putin visits an infants’ school in Moscow. “Hello children”, says the President, “I’m Mr Putin, President of Russia. Now do any of you have any questions for me?”
“Yes,” says a little boy. “My name is Sacha and I have two questions, Mr President.”
“Two questions! That is good, you are clearly clever and thoughtful. What are they?”
“First, Mr Putin, why did you annex the Crimea against international law; and, second, why are you conducting a war by proxy in the Ukraine?”
“They’re very good questions ….” Ring. Ring. Ring. And with that the dinner bell goes. “We’ll resume after lunch, “says Mr Putin.
After lunch they return. “Now,” says Mr Putin, “Does anyone have any questions?”
“Yes, my name’s Mica,” says a little girl, “and I have four questions.”
“Four questions! You must be clever. What are they?”
“1. Why did you illegally annex the Crimea?
2. Why are you conducting a war by proxy in the Ukraine?
3. Why did the dinner bell go when it was only 10 o’clock? And,
4, where is Sacha?”
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jimbo · May 4, 2015

Too true. He's a fucking dictator. The next Stalin. Who I'm sure he admires.

Charlie Farley · May 4, 2015

And you can bet something similar has actually happened...
Sacha is on an extended skiing holiday in Siberia,
full board & lodgings....curtesy of the FSB

Ron Poast · May 11, 2015

This is a story of how the Fug-ah-wee indians got there name. The small band had been traveling many days looking for a new home and had stopped for the evening to rest. The chief climbed to the top of a nearby hill. As he stood there he looked to the north and then to the south, to the east and to the west and he said, where in the Fug-ah-wee. This may be true, maybe not. !!!!!

Charlie Farley · May 11, 2015

That reminds me of another old one.
Do you know the history of the now exstinct OhhhhNo bird ?
It had a wingspan of 10", a body of 6" and a permanently
erect penis of 12".
Everytime it came in to land it was heard to shreak
" OHHHH NO, OH NOOOOO !!! "

molleur · May 11, 2015

Life has it's ways of turning around...

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't
stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I
was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the
parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife
with another man...and then my own dog bit me."

"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to
it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the
poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"

"But. . . enough about me... How are you doing?

Jokes anyone? -

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Jim Rosenthal

David Lowe

David Lowe

Larry L.

Keith

Pete McCluskey.

Jim Rosenthal

Ron Poast

Ron Poast

Larry L.

Larry L.

Ron Poast

Keith

Jim Rosenthal

Charlie Farley

Ron Poast

Charlie Farley

Jack

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