Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning,let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?"

I responded,"I guess not.What do you have in mind ?"
She said,"Let's drop by my apartment,it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife,my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked

 

[Jack]

Thanks Pete, that one made my day!

 

[Bill Musarra]

APHORISMS FOR THE YEAR...

It's not whether you win or lose,but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

"You know why a politician is like a banana?"
"He comes in green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,you know, like NASCAR drivers,
so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected
is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

 

[Keith]

Husband's Message (by cellphone):

Honey, a car has hit me outside the office this

morning. Margaret has brought me to Oldham Hospital.

They have been conducting a series of tests including

X-rays and scans.

The blow to my head was really bad, but fortunately

it seems that did not cause any permanent damage.

I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in

the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate

my right foot.


Wife's Response:

Who the fu#k is Margaret?

 

[Al Jones]

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
*****
The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
*****
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. ****
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night,or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
*****
After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
*******
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong.I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
*********************************************
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
**********************************************
My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!".
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

[Nick]

Safety warning

 

[Larry L.]

Doesn't apply to this American anymore...

 

[Nick]

Doesn't apply to this American anymore...

Well Larry we always knew you were different

 

[Larry L.]

Well Larry we always knew you were different

So true...so true. Sometimes I'm so fantastic, even I can't stand it, 'innt'.


No, when I said this:

Doesn't apply to this American anymore...

...I was referring to my 43 lb (to date) weight loss. :sneaky:


(I'm now only 1 pant size away from what I wore in high school. When I get there [in about 2-3 weeks at most] - I'll be done. 'No idea exactly what that may come to as far as 'total pounds lost' and I don't care...I have no specific goal in mind with respect to that.)

 

[Nick]

So true...so true. Sometimes I'm so fantastic, even I can't stand it, 'innt'.


No, when I said this:



...I was referring to my 43 lb (to date) weight loss. :sneaky:


(I'm now only 1 pant size away from what I wore in high school. When I get there [in about 2-3 weeks at most] - I'll be done. 'No idea exactly what that may come to as far as 'total pounds lost' and I don't care...I have no specific goal in mind with respect to that.)

Apologies, I thought you meant 10 personas 3 Americans or 1 Larry

 

[Larry L.]

Apologies, I thought you meant 10 personas 3 Americans or 1 Larry

No apology necessary! Several pounds ago you'd probably have been RIGHT!

 

[Steve]

So true...so true. Sometimes I'm so fantastic, even I can't stand it, 'innt'.


No, when I said this:



...I was referring to my 43 lb (to date) weight loss. :sneaky:


(I'm now only 1 pant size away from what I wore in high school. When I get there [in about 2-3 weeks at most] - I'll be done. 'No idea exactly what that may come to as far as 'total pounds lost' and I don't care...I have no specific goal in mind with respect to that.)

Larry, why the hell are you doing this? The plaid polyester bell-bottoms (and the poly leisure suits) you saved from high school are totally out of style and hopefully not coming back.....

 

[Larry L.]

Larry, why the hell are you doing this? The plaid polyester bell-bottoms (and the poly leisure suits) you saved from high school are totally out of style and hopefully not coming back.....

LOL! Either you're kidding, or you've totally misunderstood what my goal is! (Hint: All my H.S. clothes have looooooooooooong since gone 'bye-bye'.)

Anyway, enough 'drift'...

 

[Pat]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. You'll feel like 40 again!"

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

 

[Robert May Eng.]

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh--no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A Boy's First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'Sure did.' and held up my thumb to show her.
That was when she beat the shit out of me....Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

 

[Robert S.]

Another Blonde Mystery Solved . . .



A woman made an appointment with her gynecologist.

When she got there, the doctor asked, "What seems to be the problem?"

"Something is terribly wrong," the woman said. "I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The doctor examined her briefly, and then chuckled. As she was removing her gloves, she said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear. They're stickers off bananas!"

 

[Robert May Eng.]

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height ?
Husband:-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy ?.
Husband:-Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector :-Color of eyes ?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Color of hair ?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-tell me the number,name & color of the car ? . . . . ....
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.And it has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying...
-
-
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.... . .We'll find your car.

 

[John]

CHUM DOG FOOD

Yesterday I was at my local Coles
store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Chum Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

of course Ive got a dog dumb B#tch

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
Better watch what you ask retired people, They have all the time in the world to think of
daft things to say.

 

[Robert S.]

What's The Really Good News . . . !

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers. "Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her, haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."