Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
:laugh:Total classic onya Keith.
STEVE! STEVE! :laugh:
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Priceless, Keith, well done.
"Alan!!!"
"Alan!!!"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
The Amazing Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
?????What does this mean?????
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Keith
Very good
For those not in the UK or not listening to world news
Barclays rate fixing scandal: Parliament to launch inquiry - Telegraph
Ian
Very good
For those not in the UK or not listening to world news
Barclays rate fixing scandal: Parliament to launch inquiry - Telegraph
Ian
This is the joke thread so I'll keep this short. I think we're only seeing the tip of an iceberg. A good friend of mine here in Lymington owned a beautiful hotel overlooking the Needles until last year when the Administrators were brought in. The reason was his inability to continue paying his loan to Barclays.
Sounds fair you say, but when originally negotiating the quite substantial loan, he was pursuaded to sign up for a (free) financial Barclays product that guaranteed a stable interest rate if unforseen rises occurred in the base lending rate. Again, sounds fair.
Problem is, and what was not explained, that if interest rates actually fell (which they did quite dramatically to ease the effects of recession) his loan repayments would actually increase. ( The product involved a Hedge Fund). Despite asking advice from independent advisors, none of whom had any experience of this product, Barclays pursuaded him to sign up which he did.
Last year, with interest rates holding at 0.5%, his loan repayment effectively doubled, and as a result of his default, Barclays foreclosed on him and he and his family lost everything and I mean everything.
I cannot say more as the matter has become sub judice, but the FSA confirms that this particular product should never be used for commercial finance of this nature, but, because it was effectively a 'free' product, the victim cannot invoke the current 'missold' legislation which is costing the entire banking sector billions in compensation payments.
Bankers. I think it is definitely misspelt.
And now, back to the jokes, folks...
Sounds fair you say, but when originally negotiating the quite substantial loan, he was pursuaded to sign up for a (free) financial Barclays product that guaranteed a stable interest rate if unforseen rises occurred in the base lending rate. Again, sounds fair.
Problem is, and what was not explained, that if interest rates actually fell (which they did quite dramatically to ease the effects of recession) his loan repayments would actually increase. ( The product involved a Hedge Fund). Despite asking advice from independent advisors, none of whom had any experience of this product, Barclays pursuaded him to sign up which he did.
Last year, with interest rates holding at 0.5%, his loan repayment effectively doubled, and as a result of his default, Barclays foreclosed on him and he and his family lost everything and I mean everything.
I cannot say more as the matter has become sub judice, but the FSA confirms that this particular product should never be used for commercial finance of this nature, but, because it was effectively a 'free' product, the victim cannot invoke the current 'missold' legislation which is costing the entire banking sector billions in compensation payments.
Bankers. I think it is definitely misspelt.
And now, back to the jokes, folks...
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
He ought to shoot the son of a bitch that sold him that deal. Except it would be over too quickly. Better to cut off one part at a time, IMHO.
Swap contracts are probably what you are referring to. If so, if Libor went down you pay more on your swap contract, but you pay correspondingly less on your main morgage/loan contract therefore when combined your overall rate is static. However also remember that the bankers were artificially keeping libor low to keep their banks looking good, and to get their bonuses, when in fact they were not in good shape. As commercial loans are typically against Libor then customers should have being paying less as a result.
But bankers never do free deals. They might not charge you to set up a deal but there is profit in there somewhere. Swaps normally make the bank about 0.25%.
The joke is I have yet to meet a banker that will accept the banking industry got it seriously wrong!
But bankers never do free deals. They might not charge you to set up a deal but there is profit in there somewhere. Swaps normally make the bank about 0.25%.
The joke is I have yet to meet a banker that will accept the banking industry got it seriously wrong!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Took the wife to a night club last weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips....you know....."the works".
My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 35 years ago and I turned him down."
I said, "It looks like he's still f**king celebrating....!!! "
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips....you know....."the works".
My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 35 years ago and I turned him down."
I said, "It looks like he's still f**king celebrating....!!! "
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Did you know “listen” and ”silent” use the same letters?
Do you also know that the words race car spelled backwards still spells ”race car?”
And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate?”
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells:
“Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking arseholes and take
those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”
How weird is that?
English really is a strange language, isn't it!
Do you also know that the words race car spelled backwards still spells ”race car?”
And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate?”
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells:
“Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking arseholes and take
those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”
How weird is that?
English really is a strange language, isn't it!
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn' have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn' have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"