Jokes anyone? -

[Garry]

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Marine Helicopter Pilot and Priest:<o></o>

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud Hawaiian shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sandals. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?<o></o>
<o></o>
'The guy replies, 'I'm Bill, retired United States Marine Corps helicopter Pilot from Conroe, Texas'. <o></o>
Saint Peter consults his list.<o></o>
He smiles and says to the Marine pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'<o></o>
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.<o></o>
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Next, it's the priest's turn.<o></o>
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He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's parish for the last 43 years.' Saint Peter consult s his list.<o></o>
He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. 'Just a minute,' says the good father.<o></o>
'That man was a Marine Helicopter pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.<o></o>
How can this be?<o></o>
<o></o>
' Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.<o></o>
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'When you preached - people slept.<o></o>
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When he flew, people prayed..<o></o>


Garry<o></o>

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[Garry]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:<SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial','sans-serif'; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." <o></o>
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A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the heck did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Garry

 

[Brian Kissel]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'



There... that should piss off just about everybody!!!

 

[Kevin Box]

Australian without a passport

An Australian travelling through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but
I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.

"Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other."

"This I gotta see, “replied the agent. With that, the bloke dropped his
strides and showed the agent his behind.

"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to
Melbourne ." "Thanks!" he said.

"But how did you know I was from Melbourne ?" The agent replied, "I
recognized Gillard in the middle."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days, and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....



"OK, I give up. Where's the f..........n' ship?"


........................................................................................................................

.A guy walks into a bar with his dog and orders a beer, only to be told by the bar owner that dogs are not allowed in the bar.
The guy pleads with the owner, saying, “Mate, this is no ordinary dog: he’s a talking dog – he’s almost human. Look, I’ll show you.”
With that the dog owner says to his dog, “What’s the thing that covers a house and keeps the rain out?” … and the dog barks loudly “Roof, roof, roof.”
The bar owner is not amused, so the guy asks his dog another question: “What’s the animal that looks like a dog and gets confused with a dog?” The dog again barks loudly, this time “Wolf, wolf, wolf.”
The bar owner - still not impressed - tells the guy to leave, or leave his dog outside.
The guy then walks outside with his dog, and the dog says to him: “Which question did I get wrong?”

 

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, says "I've no idea" and goes back to sleep

 

[Ian Anderson]

WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY


Man, who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a cot but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

[Peter Delaney]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I’d try the ATM in the lobby"

 

[Ian Anderson]

Depressingly true
WOMEN -
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4
minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.


And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderfull...

MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I
switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earfull... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hardon, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

 

[Dalton Veitch]

Hey Ian, this is meant to be a jokes thread, not a documentary!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window,take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the charity shop. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. Oh yeah, don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my siblings.

Well, she didn't actually put it like that...

What she actually said.... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

 

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A NEW ZEALAND GIRL


Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see
any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw
his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on
the table.

The third man married a girl from New Zealand He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals
on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and
his arm was healed enough so that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[tom pritchett]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A NEW ZEALAND GIRL


Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see
any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw
his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on
the table.

The third man married a girl from New Zealand He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals
on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and
his arm was healed enough so that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

I can't share this with out laughing so hard that I can't see the words through my tears!

 

[Frank3]

I'm not good at telling jokes , so I'll let somebody else do it every time .
There was once a time when the President wasn't a joke ... He told jokes !
YouTube - ‪President Reagan - his humor and wit‬&rlm;

 

[Bill Musarra]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"

:laugh::laugh::laugh: So the biker threw him off the bridge.

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

So this old widower takes a vacation, the first one in decades, because his kids order him to- he's just moping around the house after his wife has passed away. he doesn't want to go anywhere, but they buy him tickets for a Caribbean cruise, and, reluctantly, he goes. And, wouldn't you know it, second day of the cruise, he meets a lovely woman a few years younger than him, they get along splendidly, spend their days together, and after the first day, the nights, too. The cruise ends, they exchange contact information, kiss each other goodbye, vowing to stay in touch and get together again, soon.

Except when Sol (the widower) gets home, he goes to the bathroom, and discovers he has a discharge from his penis. Overwhelmed with shame, and deeply disgusted with himself, he goes to his doctor and tells him the story. The doctor clucks sympathetically, and asks Sol to drop trou and takes a sample of the discharge. He goes off for a moment to the lab, and walks back into the room.

Doc: "Sol, you say you had sex with this woman?"
Sol: "Well, yeah, I did, so what?"
Doc: "Sol, did you get her phone number?"
Sol: "Of course I got her phone number! We spent a week together!"
Doc: "Well, Sol, why don't you call her up right now? You're about to come."

 

[David Morton]

*An attractive blonde from Dublin , Ireland arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet
twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs
new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.*

 

[Gary]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something
new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one
more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart
then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're
going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay,
then it's you.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The Old Flame


I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used
to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting
up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit
older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I
don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a
few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.