Jokes anyone? -

[Garry]

Subject: Deaf Sex
Date: Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:03:58 -0600
　
　
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
Garry

 

[Pat Buckley]

Why do women have two pairs of lips?




So they can piss and moan at the same time.

 

[Keith]

Oldie but still capable of raising a titter (oooer missus)

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
<TT><SPAN style="LINE-HEIGHT: 115%; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial','sans-serif'; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin">and I had been dating for over a year, and so we<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<TT>decided to get married. There was only one</TT>
<TT>little thing bothering me...it was her beautiful</TT>
<TT>younger sister..</TT>


<TT>My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very</TT>
<TT>tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She</TT>
<TT>would regularly bend down when she was near</TT>
<TT>me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to</TT>
<TT>be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was</TT>
<TT>near anyone else.</TT>

<TT>One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to</TT>
<TT>come over to check the wedding invitations. She was</TT>
<TT>alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she</TT>
<TT>had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't</TT>
<TT>overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once</TT>
<TT>before i got married and committed my life to her sister.</TT>
<TT>Well, i was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.</TT>

<TT>She said, I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if</TT>
<TT>you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'</TT>


<TT>i was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go</TT>
<TT>up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned</TT>
<TT>and made a beeline straight to the front door. I</TT>
<TT>opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.</TT>

<TT>Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing</TT>
<TT>outside, all of them clapping!</TT>

<TT>With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and</TT>
<TT>said, 'we are very happy that you have passed our</TT>
<TT>little test. We couldn't ask for a better</TT>
<TT>man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'</TT>


<TT>And the moral of this story is:</TT>




<TT>Always</TT><TT> keep your condoms in your car.</TT>

 

[Bill Musarra]

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

 

[Brian Hamilton]

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Yup, shore is.....

 

[Aaron L.]

There were once 2 trees growing in the forest together, an oak and a maple. They had been friends for many years, but one day, a new tree began to grow between them.
"What kind of tree do you think that is?" asked the oak. "I think it's a son of a birch".
"You think so"? replied the maple. "I think it's a son of a beech"....
With that difference of opinion, they soon fell to arguing with each other day in and day out until finally, they saw a woodpecker.
"Mr. Woodpecker?" they asked. "You are a tree expert, can you tell us if that new tree is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker went down to the tree, and once he had left it, he said to the oak and the maple "That, gentlemen, is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is the finest piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

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How Fights Start


My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


******************************************



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


******************************************



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...



*****************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...


******************************************



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...


******************************************



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


******************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


******************************************



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


******************************************



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's dang near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
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[Pete McCluskey.]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together
and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby
is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward,
eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling and gurgling serenely. A
nurse comes by, and, to the delight of the gay fathers, she points
out the happy child as theirs.


"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy
babies...but our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of
gay love!"


The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what
happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!'

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist!


A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Marriage is Grand... Divorce is 20 Grand...<o></o>


A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.<o></o>


Be creative, invent a perversion.<o></o>


MONEY TALKS... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!<o></o>


If life begins at 40, what are you supposed to do until then?<o></o>


If plugging it in doesn't help, turn it on.<o></o>


I'm in shape... round's a shape isn't it?<o></o>


I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?<o></o>


When in doubt, mumble. When asked to clarify, say "Trust me<o></o>


I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!<o></o>


No, no, nurse! I said SLIP off his SPECTACLES!!<o></o>


43% of all statistics are useless.<o></o>


Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []<o></o>


If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're upside down.<o></o>


Optimist: A YUGO owner.<o></o>


I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.<o></o>


WYTYSYDG - What You Thought You Saw You Didn't Get<o></o>


All wiyht. ffice:smarttags" /><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<st1lace w:st="on">Rho</st1lace></st1:City> sritched mg kegtops awound?<o></o>


Why is abbreviation such a long word?<o></o>


Black Holes are where God divided by zero<o></o>​

<o></o>

I've got a... uh... uh... Oh yeah - a photographic memory!<o></o>


Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it!<o></o>


Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.<o></o>


Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!<o></o>


Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.<o></o>


1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.<o></o>


Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!<o></o>


Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.<o></o>


A clean <st1ersonName w:st="on">des</st1ersonName>k is a sign of a cluttered <st1ersonName w:st="on">des</st1ersonName>k drawer.<o></o>


I call things as I see them<st1ersonName w:st="on">;</st1ersonName> If I didn't see them, I make them up!<o></o>


Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.<o></o>


Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.<o></o>


SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.<o></o>


It's only a hobby... only a hobby... only a hobby...<o></o>


If at first you don't succeed, <st1ersonName w:st="on">des</st1ersonName>troy all evidence that you tried.<o></o>


If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.<o></o>


Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.<o></o>


Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.<o></o>


Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.<o></o>


It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.<o></o>


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.<o></o>


Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.​

 

A very ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the bartender.
"Well, I'll tell you", replies the ugly man.
"As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the railroad tracks, just like in the films."
"I, of course, went and cut her loose and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, we made love all night. We did everything, me on top, her on top, every position imaginable".
"Fantastic, you lucky bastard", exclaimed the bartender. "Was she pretty", he asked.
Don't know. Never found her head.

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

So I'm in my car, driving in the rain, and try to stop for a red light, only the car skids, and hits the back of the car in front of me- crunching the rear bodywork. I stop, and before I can do anything, the drivers' door of the car I hit opens and this midget comes stomping up to me, stands next to my door, and motions for me to roll down my window.

So I do, and before I can even say "I'm sorry", the little jerk folds his arms and says "I'm NOT HAPPY!!!"

"OK," I say, "so which one ARE you?"

......and that's when the fight started.....

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Speaking of the vertically challenged seven,

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DOPEY​

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"​

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[Garry]

Peach Farmer

​

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and
a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered
the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would
you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as
firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little
tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they
nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came
from the other eye..

She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy
as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on
earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my
soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get
fucked out of my peaches. "


Garry

​

 

[Jay V]

Irish Friendship ( a special thang...)​

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mike comes over to see him.

"How you doin'?," says Mike.

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor lad. Run upstairs and get
me slippers. Me feet are freezin'."

Mike goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin
daughters sitting on the bed. He says "your dad's sent me up here
to have sex with the both of you."

They say "get away with ya.. prove it."

Mike shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of 'em?'"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fookin one?"

 

[Jay V]

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A Fairy Tale.......


A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican
refugee outside an Arizona immigration
office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by the President
and told to grant you three wishes, since you just
arrived in the United States with your wife and eight
children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from
we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a
lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the
man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a
brand new shining set of gold teeth in his
mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder.
"I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis
on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the
rest of my relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING
! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful
mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a
walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood
overlooking the bay.


"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be
like an American with American clothes instead of these
torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this
sombrero . And I want to have white skin like
Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was
transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore
Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had
his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from
the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?"
he wailed, "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said:






"Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

And she disappeared.


​

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[David Morton]

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</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

<o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> L u x u r y C r u i s e L i n e s <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

Now Accepting Reservations! Additional cruise information available below. <o></o>​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

<o></o>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

To The Point Cruise Lines is excited to offer the ultimate adventure cruise, along the pirate-infested coast of Somalia ! <o></o>​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><o> </o>
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

Ultimate Adventure Cruise Route <o></o>​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

Rates and Availability <o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" rowSpan=2>

<o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>

<o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Ship Name <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Starting Price <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

Days <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Availability <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Sun Splendor <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">$5,200.00 <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

5 <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Fully Booked <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Grand Voyage <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">$6,150.00 <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

7 <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Reservations Available <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Horizons IV <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">$7,091.00 <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

10 <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Reservations Available <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Horizons III <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">$5,200.00 <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

7 <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Fully Booked <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Grand Voyage II <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">$6,300.00 <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

7 <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Fully Booked <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Grand Voyage III <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">$5,200.00 <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

5 <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Reservations Available <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Coastal Paradise <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">$5,200.00 <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

7 <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Reservations Available <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Coastal Paradise II <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">$8,200.00 <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

10 <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Reservations Available <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Peril Princess <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">$5,200.00 <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

7 <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Fully Booked <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> Peril Princess II <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">$5,200.00 <o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

7 <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Reservations Available <o></o>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=3>We board our luxury cruise ships in Djibouti on the Gulf of Aden near the entrance to the Red Sea, and disembark in Mombasa , Kenya seven adrenaline-charged days later. Reservations start at only $5,200 per-person (double occupancy, inside room) and $6,900 (verandah complete with bench rest). <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR style="HEIGHT: 11.5pt"><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt; HEIGHT: 11.5pt" vAlign=top rowSpan=2>

<o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; WIDTH: 0.3pt; PADDING-TOP: 0cm; HEIGHT: 11.5pt" width=0></TD></TR><TR style="HEIGHT: 13.8pt"><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; WIDTH: 0.3pt; PADDING-TOP: 0cm; HEIGHT: 13.8pt" width=0></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<o> </o>
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

You'll relax like never before! <o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

That's because you are welcome to bring your own arsenal with you. If you don't have your own weapons, you can rent them from our onboard
Master Gunsmith. Enjoy reloading parties every afternoon with skeet and marksmanship competitions every night!

But the best fun of all, of course, is... <o></o>​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>

...Pirate Target Practice! <o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>

<o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR height=0><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=54></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=940></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=4></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

The object of our cruise is to sail up and down the Somali Coast waiting to get hijacked by pirates! <o></o>​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=3>

Weapons rentals: <o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR height=0><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=4></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=194></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=4></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top colSpan=2><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 align=left border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Weapon Selection <o></o>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>

Price <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>Description <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>AK-47 Light Assault

<o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

$12.00
Per Day <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>On a budget? Rent a full-auto scope-mounted AK-47 for only $9/day with 7.62 ball ammo at $12 per 100 rounds: <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>M-16 Full Automatic

<o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

$25.00
Per Day <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>Rent a full auto M-16 for only $25/day with ammo attractively priced at $16 per 100 rounds of 5.56 armour-piercing: <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>Barrett M-107 50 Calibre

<o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

$59.00
Per Day <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>Hello! Nothing gets a pirate's attention like a Barrett M-107 50-cal sniper rifle; only $59/day with 25 rounds of armour-piercing ammo affordably priced at only $29.95. <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>RPG Launcher

<o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

$175.00
Per Day <o></o>​

</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>Want to make a real impact? Rent an RPG for only $175/day with three fragmentation rounds included! A true favourite among pirates, rent one today and show you care! <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR height=0><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=46></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=340></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=3></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=89></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=270></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<o> </o>
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>

Customer Testimonials <o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>

<o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>

"Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected. I bagged three pirates, my wife nailed two, and my 12-year old son sank two boats with the mini-gun.
This wonderful cruise was fun for the whole family" -- Fred D., Cincinnati , OH <o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>

"Pirates 0, Passengers 32! Well worth the trip! Can't recommend it highly enough!" -- Ben L., Bethesda , MD<o></o>​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> <o></o>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=3>

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Twin mounted mini-guns are available for rental at only $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire! <o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

<o></o>
</TD></TR><TR height=0><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=4></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=739></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=4></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>Additional Cruise Line Services <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>

• <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1">Need a spotter? Our professional crew members can double as spotters for only $30/hour.
  (spotting scope included, but gratuities are not) <o></o><LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1">Also included: Free complimentary night vision equipment - and throughout the night, coffee, pastries and snacks are always available on the main deck from 7pm until 6am <o></o>
• Our deluxe package comes complete with gourmet meals and all rooms offer a mini-bar <o></o>

</TD></TR><TR height=0><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=82></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=661></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=4></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>

OUR SATISFACTION GUARANTEE! <o></o>​

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<o></o>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<o> </o>
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">We guarantee you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or you'll receive an instant $1,000 refund upon arrival in Mombasa ..
How can we make that guarantee? We operate at 5 knots just beyond 12 nautical miles off the coast of Somalia , thus in international waters where pirates have no rights whatever. In fact, we make three passes through the area's most treacherous waters to ensure maximum visibility by Somali "mother ships."
We repeat this for five days, making three complete passes past the entire Somali Coast . At night, the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot every five
minutes with loud disco music directionally beamed shore side to attract maximum attention. <o></o>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #01679a; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>

ACT NOW! <o></o>​

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>Cabin space is limited so you need to respond quickly. Reserve your package before May 31st
and get a great bonus - 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the calibre of your choice! So sign up for the Ultimate Somali Coast Adventure Cruise now! <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR height=0><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=49></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=694></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=4></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

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BUT THERE'S EVEN MORE! <o></o>​

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</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" colSpan=2>

<o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Reserve now and be automatically entered to win a 5 minute time slot on the Captain's own Twin Browning 50 Calibre M2HB installation!
"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in ' Nam . Don't worry about getting shot by pirates... they never even got close to the ship with the crap they shoot and their lousy aim... Come on board and bag your own clutch of genuine Somali pirates!" -- Mike W., Savannah , GA

"Holy crap! I mean literally, I crapped myself! This gun shook the deck like thunder, and I was laughing so hard I just had to release it. AWESOME!-- Jim W., Tampa , FL <o></o>
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<o></o>
</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND: white; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt"> <o></o>
</TD></TR><TR height=0><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=44></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=295></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=3></TD><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width=406></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<o></o>​

<o></o>

 

[David Morton]

It was a bit funnier with the graphics. I was going to delete it but the website won't let me access the edit button. Oh well.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

An oldie but a goodie.

Dear Tech Support:
<FONT face="Times New Roman">Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began running unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Monday Night football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.<o></o>
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.<o></o>
Can you help me please?<o></o>
Thanks, <o></o>
Joe<o></o>
——————————————————–
Dear Joe:<o></o>
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.<o></o>
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.<o></o>
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.<o></o>
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. <o></o>
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Jewelry 2.2, and Chocolates 5.0.<o></o>
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.<o></o>
Best of luck,<o></o>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.