Jokes anyone? -

[ross henry]

Dan and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him!

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dan headed home totally frustrated. The following week when Dan's buddies arrived at the golf resort, they were shocked to see Dan sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!

"How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Dan?"

"I didn't have to," Dan replied. "Last night I slumped down in my
chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up behind me and

covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise.' When I peeled her hands back, she
was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said, 'Carry me
into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want' ..

SO HERE I AM !"<o></o>
<o> </o>

 

[Keith]

This photo is a rather blurred image of a new gadget from Apple!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

:blank:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Good year.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

 

[Bill Musarra]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

 

[Andy Besic]

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

 

[Mike]

Here's a good one )


Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York ,and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had eve seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

[David Morton]

Interesting technology............
Mobile cell phone GPS tracking

 

[Jack]

Now that is funny David!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Wow what amazing technology, they even knew I like country music.
:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

YouTube - Hamilton fights Alonso for pole position

I think Bernie was giving them Limoncello.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Letter from Wayne ...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name
is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she
gets home from work


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't
yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when
she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill
at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but
now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several
times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she
really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them
done before
she goes to bed.


Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my
strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing
the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she
may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a
frosted mug.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older, but, guys, even if you just be a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.


Signed, Wayne



EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long
50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with
barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally
sat down on his golf club.

 

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
Actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the
Money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and
I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I
Have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my
Only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into
An envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers
Felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share
With her friends.



Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the
Same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
Was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
Gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had
A very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards
At the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

:lol::lol::lol:

 

[Garry]

A $50.00 Lesson

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

United States</st1lace> some day. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed. "Wow....what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." <o></o>

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" <o></o>

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." <o></o>

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Garry<o></o>

 

[David Morton]

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 954px" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 950px; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top>This one really bought a tear to my eye.....very moving.

<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O></O>


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.


He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.<O></O>

​

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.​

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.​

'They're mating,' her father replied. ​

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.​

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. ​

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.​

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' ​

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. ​

'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said. <O></O>​

​

<O></O>




sorry cant get images to work

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[Daniel]

NSFW-language (depending upon where you work)

http://www.lowbird.com/data/images/2009/08/snoopy-lauda.jpg

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A nose walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The barman said
"F*ck off you're off your face".:drunk:

 

[Jack]

Amazing Home Remedies...

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>

 

[David Morton]

A bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when a gorgeous woman rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of rawmaterial I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sidesand stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of theisland, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue andwhite.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias... She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely.. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...

"Can I check my emails from here ?"

 

[Jack]

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%">Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men - be sure to warn all the men you know !!



Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at

the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first

warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case

you haven't heard about it. This will only become more

commonplace as the weather warms.



A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home

Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.



Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while

out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned

out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think

it couldn't happen to you or your friends.



Here's how the scam works:



Two good-looking 20-something girls come over to

your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and

Windex, in their

skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you

thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead

ask you for a ride to McDonalds.



You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they

distracting you.One of them climbs over into the

front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the

other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June

4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, &

29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,

26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again

this upcoming weekend.



So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to

take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be

vigilant.



PS -Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper

ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you

never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11

pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot,

and Costco.

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[Garry]

Subject: Deaf Sex
Date: Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:03:58 -0600
　
　
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
Garry