Jokes anyone? -

[David Morton]

BRITISH DRINKING RULE

A Polish guy drinks his beer then suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Poland our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same glass twice'

A Pakistani, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Pakistan we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.'

A British chap, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pole and the Pakistani and catches his glass.

He says, 'In <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 /><st1:country-region><st1lace>Britain</st1lace></st1:country-region> we now have that many Pakistanis and Poles that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice..

God Bless <st1:country-region><st1lace>Britain</st1lace></st1:country-region>..

 

[David Morton]

A bunch of ‘mature’ ladies decide to have a night out up in London which involved hiring a 12 seater bus, going to the theatre , visiting a few clubs and getting well pissed and finishing off at an Indian restaurant. By the end of the evening, which dragged on well into the small hours, they were en route home again when the curry meal started affecting some of the ladies so the bus had to stop for a few minutes while some of them disappeared into the bushes and one disappeared into a graveyard.
When they got back on they were discussing what they used for toilet tissue and one said she used her knickers then threw them away. The one that went in the grave yard admitted to using blooming flowers from a newly used grave site.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
The following evening a couple of the husbands were in the pub and the discussion turned to the fact that a few of them were actually worried by their wives outing and the fact it was very late when they got home. One guy said that his wife came home with no knickers on at all. <o></o>
One of the other husbands was totally silent and had said nothing all evening and was almost on the point of tears until he suddenly blurted out ‘My wife had a card stuck in her arse that said : <I>WE WILL MISS YOU’. </I>

 

[Brett James-McCall]

NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

 

[Grady]

Male Sensitivity Evaluation



1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really are a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into
therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times,
"YOU DA MAN !"

</pre>

 

[Al Jones]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend...and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."

​

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies, "I did. They're in your tackle box".

 

They walk among us....

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO - MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ..
Richard: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ....
Richard: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER . Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ..... Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. ... ..
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run ... . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

 

Deleted double post

 

[Simon]

Fantastic!

 

[JoeTreu]

"A baby harbor seal walked into a club..."

 

[David Sturch]

Here's another Paddy&Ryan for Pete.

Paddy and Ryan had a hankering for some Guinesses but only had two pounds between them. Paddy came up this idea how to drink for free. We will take this two pounds go down to the butchers and buy a large sausage. I will cut a hole in my trouser pocket. We will order our drinks and drink them, then I will insert the sausage through the hole in my pocket through my fly and you go down on your knees and start to kiss and caress the sausage. The bar keep won't like that he said.

They go the first pub and try their experiment. The bar keep was so upset he escorted them from the pub. After the the tenth pub Ryan says to Paddy. I think I have had enough. Paddy says me too, besides that I lost the sausage four pubs ago.

 

[Marcus]

Anyone likes hor(s)es?

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A young Italian girl was going on a date.<SPAN lang=EN-AU><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likeadat, but don't let him do dat.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda. But mosta important, he's agonna try
ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.<o></o>
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"<o></o>
</DIV></DIV>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's
opened by a little twelve year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one
hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked
under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the f##ck do you think?"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A retired copper from Tamworth Police Station in north western <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

New South Wales</st1:State> in <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Australia</st1:country-region></st1lace> appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"John, have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," John said. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Oxley Vale out in <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:State w:st="on">New South Wales</st1:State></st1lace>, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh%t out of the lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago..."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1.. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7.. Drive off.

*****************
**************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2.. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set pa rking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6.. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23.. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake

 

[WEGENER Engineering]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE


23.. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake

Pete - this was hilarious and oh so true. And the observation that it doesn't end with the money being dispensed - Priceless!
Mike

 

[Al Jones]

WOMEN, AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS
Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Yep, they are all a red x mystery to me too.

 

[Dalton Veitch]

All those "x" s; now I may never know the explanation.

Dalton

 

[Aaron L.]

same here