Jokes anyone? -

[Bill Musarra]

Redneck Elevator!!

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........

'Boy..................go gitcha Momma..............'

 

[Bill Musarra]

New Golf Terms



The following new terms are fast becoming part of the golf lexicon:
1. A “Paris Hilton,” an expensive hole
2. A “James Joyce,” an impossible read
3. A “Rock Hudson,” looked straight, but wasn’t
4. A “Cuban,” needed one more revolution
5. An “Elton John,” a big bender that lips the rim
6. A “Lou Gehrig,” a dead Yank
7. A “German,” a hookenfucker
8. An “Adolf Hitler,” two shots in the bunker
9. A “Saddam Hussein,” from one bunker straight into another bunker
10. A “Yasser Arafat,” ugly and in the sand
11. A “Kate Winslett,” a little fat but otherwise perfect
12. A “JFK, Jr.,” didn’t make it over the water
14. A “Rodney King,” over -clubbed
15. An ” O.J. Simpson,” got away with it
16. A “Princess Grace,” should have taken a driver
17. A “Princess Di,” shouldn’t have taken a driver
18. A “George W.,” steadily fading
19. A “Condom,” safe, but didn’t feel very good
21. A “Brazilian,” shaved the hole
22. A “Rush Limbaugh,” too far to the right
23. A “Nancy Pelosi,” too far to the left

 

[flatchat(Chris)]

The funniest thing about this thread is that the old geizers that contribute can't remember that they've just read the same joke on the same page :laugh::laugh::lipsrsealed:.
Yeah I know --the search function doesn't do it for me either:blank:

 

[Garry]

Bill,
+1.
Garry

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The funniest thing about this thread is that the old geizers that contribute can't remember that they've just read the same joke on the same page :laugh::laugh::lipsrsealed:.
Yeah I know --the search function doesn't do it for me either:blank:

From one old geezer to another:drunk:. It doesn't matter to me if someone reposts a joke....I can only remember the last couple.

Bill, Gold.

 

[Al Jones]

Funny you should mention that,Pete. It works the same way for my marriages!

 

[Dimi Terleckyj]

Al

What do you mean "marriages"

If you get married once and divorce that is counted as a mistake and is forgiveable.

If you get married twice or more that is just sheer stupidity and there is no hope for you.

Dimi.

 

[David Morton]

Dimi - It's either as you say or an addiction to wedding cake !!

 

[Jack]

like bad movies, first one mistake, second the sequel, and the third might be a rerun!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Dimi - It's either as you say or an addiction to wedding cake !!

I have found that eating wedding cake is one of the best birth control measures known.:lipsrsealed:

Speaking of marriage

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'. (Henny Youngman)
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
• A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
• A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'
• A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'
• How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
• A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

[Al Jones]

Al

What do you mean "marriages"

If you get married once and divorce that is counted as a mistake and is forgiveable.

If you get married twice or more that is just sheer stupidity and there is no hope for you.

Dimi.

Relax,Dimi - go back and look at the title of the thread and then read the post again!

 

[Dimi Terleckyj]

Sorry Al

Jumped the gun as usual.

Dimi

 

[Jay V]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?


Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.​

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?​

.................................................. .........​

THINK CAREFULLY AND​

THEN SCROLL DOWN:​

Democrat's​

Answer :​

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?​

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message

does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. ​

​

This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.​

.. .................................................. ...........​

Republican's​

Answer:​

BANG!​

................................................... ................................................... .........​

Redneck's Answer:​

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG !
Click... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydrashocks?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist​

 

[Brian Hamilton]

I think I'd be the redneck...

Or my wife would pop off a couple of rounds. LOL

 

[Jack]

interesting...

 

[David Morton]

As Gordon Brown, The British Prime Minister, gets out of his aeroplane at Royal Air Force (R.A.F.) Brize Norton after his "world tour", he is carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The R.A.F. Guard N.C.O. (Non Com) springs to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."

The Prime Minister replies: "These are not ordinary pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs from the USA. I got one for the Home Secretary and I got one for The Chancellor of the Exchequer"

The N.C.O. again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "May I say an excellent swap, sir".

 

[Jack]

Now that's funny!

 

[Grady]

Okay,
I'll try one....For those of you outside the USA.

Senator John Kerry (Dem-Mass) (who also served in Vietnam) is holding Senate hearing meetings to get a better understanding of the 'Pirate problem'. His first person called to testify is Johnny Depp.

 

[Jack]

Good one Grady!

 

[David Morton]

? I need to sit down and think about that last one.
It may be that it does not export that easily.