29 pictures that prove New Zealand is better than Australia and quite possibly the best country in the world 
http://www.buzzfeed.com/bradesposito/nz-bro
http://www.buzzfeed.com/bradesposito/nz-bro
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
New Zealand I have toured and it is a terrific place, a most beautiful country.
They are very good at Rugby, sailing and breeding very good race horses.
So why do half the Kiwi nation live in Bondi?
They are very good at Rugby, sailing and breeding very good race horses.
So why do half the Kiwi nation live in Bondi?
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Did I mention they can't play cricket and shag sheep?
I guess they see themselves as Missionaries trying to bring civilisation to you. In the same way we try to help you by allowing you all to move to London
I guess they see themselves as Missionaries trying to bring civilisation to you. In the same way we try to help you by allowing you all to move to London
Light blue touch paper and retire :lol:
TOOLS EXPLAINED:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. It will also remove fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh crap"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until they melt.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short to use in your remodeling job.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMM-IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need to finish your current project.
And my own personal favorite:
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. It will also remove fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh crap"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until they melt.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short to use in your remodeling job.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMM-IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need to finish your current project.
And my own personal favorite:
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Arriving in Heaven
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
A grumpy man bought all of a Burger King restaurant's apple pies – because a screaming child standing behind him wanted one.
The hungry man had been looking forward to a BK treat after a hard day's work but he said his day was ruined by a wailing child demanding a pie from mum.
So after an altercation with the mother, the man decided to exact his revenge...by buying all of the restaurant's stock of apple pies - 23 in all!
In a post on Reddit, the man justified his spiteful actions saying the child was screaming while his mother was on the phone and was ignoring him.
He wrote: "This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother, throwing around a Gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game.
"She gets up in my face telling me I can't tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business."
He said that he asked the mother to kindly settle her child down after the boy screamed: "I want some f***ing pie!"
The man went on: "I then decide to ruin their day."
And he purchased every apple pie in the restaurant.
The poster finishes his confession by saying that as he left the Burger King, he heard the woman shout: "What do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all?"
He continued: "I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare.
"I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating as I stare back at her.
"She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other line-ups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away."
The hungry man had been looking forward to a BK treat after a hard day's work but he said his day was ruined by a wailing child demanding a pie from mum.
So after an altercation with the mother, the man decided to exact his revenge...by buying all of the restaurant's stock of apple pies - 23 in all!
In a post on Reddit, the man justified his spiteful actions saying the child was screaming while his mother was on the phone and was ignoring him.
He wrote: "This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother, throwing around a Gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game.
"She gets up in my face telling me I can't tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business."
He said that he asked the mother to kindly settle her child down after the boy screamed: "I want some f***ing pie!"
The man went on: "I then decide to ruin their day."
And he purchased every apple pie in the restaurant.
The poster finishes his confession by saying that as he left the Burger King, he heard the woman shout: "What do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all?"
He continued: "I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare.
"I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating as I stare back at her.
"She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other line-ups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away."
Particularly liked the "I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating as I stare back at her." reminded me a bit of this sketch when it gets to the "how do you know it was me" bit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1PHpkdvNOs
Last edited:
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
On the surface it seems like a joke. Flybe emerged from Jersey European Airways and i was the Chief Pilot from 1980 to 1984. I can understand the political pressure the existing C.P. is under to be all things to all people BUT
I also think the line has to be drawn somewhere. This headline is quite
damaging to Flybe. If I was still the encumbant, this incident would not have happened.
I also think the line has to be drawn somewhere. This headline is quite
damaging to Flybe. If I was still the encumbant, this incident would not have happened.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
David, I remind you that Douglas Bader had a distinguished flying career and he was legless most of the time. But then he wasn't piloting a load of passengers and only had to worry about his own arse.
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
A new phenomenon called
E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Well, how about some 'ARSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) an arse hole
{_!_} a swishy arse
(_o_) an arse that's been around
(_x_) kiss my arse
(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse
(_E=mc2_) a smart arse
(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb Arse
You have just been e-mooned!
E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and is a frown. Well, how about some 'ARSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) an arse hole
{_!_} a swishy arse
(_o_) an arse that's been around
(_x_) kiss my arse
(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse
(_E=mc2_) a smart arse
(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb Arse
You have just been e-mooned!
Wait a second...even as a POW he was allowed to inspect and sit in a ready-to-fly ME109 with his legs on.
Threaddrift end.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Pete,
I met Bader only the once and that was one time too many. He was exceptionally rude and quite demeaning. Apart from chocks under his nose wheel, he got absolutely nothing from the guys working on VASF (the flight that handled visiting aircraft at RAF Marham). I heard that there was no handling crew when he came to leave and having started engines and then ranting on on the tower frequency, had to get out of the aeroplane and remove the chocks on his own.
Inspite of being a famous WW2 ace, he was brought down to ground level by the ground crew for his pig ignorance and that seemed to happen where ever he went int he 60's.
I met Bader only the once and that was one time too many. He was exceptionally rude and quite demeaning. Apart from chocks under his nose wheel, he got absolutely nothing from the guys working on VASF (the flight that handled visiting aircraft at RAF Marham). I heard that there was no handling crew when he came to leave and having started engines and then ranting on on the tower frequency, had to get out of the aeroplane and remove the chocks on his own.
Inspite of being a famous WW2 ace, he was brought down to ground level by the ground crew for his pig ignorance and that seemed to happen where ever he went int he 60's.
"Gun Control, Texas Style"
'Supposedly a true story from... "The Houston Herald", Houston, Texas
A Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.
The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge, sworn-in, and asked to explain her actions.
The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work. I am a waitress at a local cafe.
I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol in my purse hanging on my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol.
The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No Way Punk! You're not stealing my pay check and tips." I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and started squeezing the trigger of my pistol.
When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?
The woman replied under oath,"Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."
The woman was acquitted of all charges. She was back at work the next day!
That's Gun Control, Texas Style
'Supposedly a true story from... "The Houston Herald", Houston, Texas
A Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.
The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge, sworn-in, and asked to explain her actions.
The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work. I am a waitress at a local cafe.
I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol in my purse hanging on my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol.
The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No Way Punk! You're not stealing my pay check and tips." I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and started squeezing the trigger of my pistol.
When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?
The woman replied under oath,"Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."
The woman was acquitted of all charges. She was back at work the next day!
That's Gun Control, Texas Style